Grief can be all-consuming and lead to long-term total exhaustion, but it doesn’t have to. Mourning can be despairing and difficult to face and to observe, but it doesn’t have to. As with all of life’s experiences, we have choices. The choices we make don’t take away our emotions – the sadness, the anger, the desolation, the loneliness - but they do give us opportunities to ask for support, to take care of ourselves, and to grow and transform.
Adding "New" to the Name
Are we brave enough?
Before I started Angela Jane’s New Mourning Photography, I had not even a whisper of a desire to own a business, yet here I am figuring things out as I go along because I woke up one morning last fall with a very strong message to offer this niche photography service. This business needed a name. I went through several iterations before finally landing on the current one. I then consulted a business advisor who declared that I didn’t want this name because of what comes up when it is searched.
A “mourning photography” search reveals the historical practice of photographing dead people, often in a family portrait with the dead person surrounded by living family members. My personal search of this phrase led to my adding “new” to the business name before meeting with the business advisor. While most people might not know that mourning photography is a thing from days gone by, I did attempt to differentiate this business from that of yesteryear’s.
The business advisor’s search also led us to the book published in 2015 A New Mourning: Discovering the Gifts of Grief by Georgena Eggleston. So, “new mourning” is clearly not new now that it is eight years after Eggleston’s book was published; however, Eggleston’s thoughts on grief and mourning are still relevant. At one point in the book, Eggleston asks, “Are we brave enough as a culture to finally bring grief to the table for a thoughtful conversation?” I think we are getting there. For example, when I created my Angela Jane’s Instagram account, I searched for other “mourning” and “grief” accounts. They exist, and they offer support for all kinds of grief.
My Own Kind of Support
Are they a part of the healing process?
I offered my own kind of support for two friends this weekend. For Stephanie, I attended her father’s funeral services. I started at the visitation, stayed through the service, attended the grave site ritual and then was present at the lunch afterward. New mourning enters into all of this as I took photos all along the way at Stephanie’s request. I’m not aware of (m)any funeral photographers, but I am one, created by Stephanie who asked this one thing of me - twice. Besides taking photographs at her dad’s funeral this weekend, I also took photographs at her mom’s funeral six months ago.
Late Saturday afternoon, another friend, Karen, and I discussed the day’s events. We agreed that funeral photography should be a thing because those who attend funerals often haven’t seen each other for significant lengths of time. The joy of seeing friends and family can offer a counterbalance to the grief being felt. Karen and I surmise that capturing those joy-filled moments in photographs can be a part of the healing process later when mourners view the photos.
For my second friend, I took three items of her father’s out for a New Mourning Experience session. An important date is approaching for their family, and she wants to give her mom a gift in memory of her father, who died two years ago.
Moving Through Grief
Are you asking the right questions?
Because this weekend has been filled with new mourning experiences for me, I have been reflecting on Eggleston’s book, in which she shares her grieving of and learning from the death of one of her children. Eggleston points out four harmful myths we have about grief. One of these myths is “my grief and mourning should be focused on my departed. Self-care is selfish.” She counteracts that myth with “self-care is the foundation of moving through grief.”
She discovered one of the most important questions she can ask herself in promoting self-care is “What is the most kind and loving thing I can do, be or have for myself in this moment?” Asking and answering this question leads to self-compassion, self-kindness and self-love, she says.
She also discusses her discovery that she had a choice of staying “in the vortex of depressing grief or choose a new direction, a brave new mourning.” At the end of this chapter, Eggleston writes, “Can I stop making grief so hard? Yes. Am I willing to do that? It’s a question we each have to ask and answer for ourselves.”
Sending you loving and light-filled choices,
Angela Jane