Dalai Lama. Desmond Tutu. Sonia Choquette. Frank Ostaseski. Pema Chodron. Thich Nhat Hanh. Valerie Kaur. Sharon Salzberg. Michael Springer. Nataly Kogan. Buddha. Eckhart Tolle. Kim Eng. Rick Hanson. Emma Davies. Julia Cameron. Cyndi Dale. Dr. Sue Morter. Derek Rydall. Mark Romero. Marci Shimoff. and more ...
Just Another Teen
Dying would be easier
I was 17 years old and a rising senior although I don’t think we used that term back then. I had been raised a Methodist and was a member of the church’s youth group. In fact, I was elected vice president of the group that year after I had tied with my best friend during the first tally of votes.
As is the case with many teens, I experienced angst about everything. I also was extremely shy, lacked confidence in every part of my life, and wanted to die. Truth be told, I had always wanted to die. However, I was not suicidal. I had no desire to kill myself – never have – I just thought dying would be easier for me than living. Oh the expectations of making simple choices and decisions seemed like overwhelming and unbearable burdens.
Looking back, I don’t remember being happy, but when I look at photos of younger me, I am smiling and I do look happy. The inner turmoil left me ashamed of myself in all aspects of my life even though I was a smart, caring, funny, and kind young woman. I ended my senior year in the top ten of my class just under two valedictorians and two salutatorians – thank goodness because I would have died if I had had to give a speech at commencement!
Quite a Bit of Searching
Taking the field experience class
So, outwardly, there was nothing wrong with me other than that extreme shyness. Yet, I struggled to find peace, inner contentment, a connection to the world.
After my parents had divorced, Mom had moved up to the suburbs where the College of DuPage became her first step toward a degree. That summer, she decided to enroll in a field experience class and asked me if I wanted to enroll, too. I attended the day section, and she attended the evening section. The experience included lectures, of course, but also field trips to places connected to our in-class learning. For example, one time, we went canoeing on the Fox River.
The culmination of the experience was a two-week camping trip to Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona. I made the president’s list that summer and received A’s in anthropology, biology, humanities and physical education for a total of 17 credits based on a quarter term. I had earned college credits before I ever started my senior year in high school!
According to a copy of my application to Blackburn College, in my senior year, I did “a lot of different things – all of which have contributed to my growing up ... I have done quite a bit of searching – looking for what I want out of life and how I want to get it.” I described the field experience class briefly, but the most important part of that experience didn’t get mentioned in the application essay – probably because it’s taken decades for me to process it.
Connections to One Moment
Becoming one with the universe
So how is all of this connected to that list of names at the beginning of this post? They are all connected to the summer field experience of 1981 when I sat on a rock above a canyon floor and became one with the universe. It was such a weird confluence of events that brought me to the most peaceful and connected moment of my life.
First of all, I am not a rock climber, yet at that moment, I decided to climb up to that spot that was still being warmed by the sun even as the rest of the canyon became covered in shadows. Secondly, I did not at that time take initiative or do anything I wasn’t supposed to do. Thirdly, we always had group meetings at the end of the day where everyone was required to attend. They held that day’s meeting without me. From my spot way above the canyon floor, I heard one of the leaders say, “Let Angie be. She can miss this one.”
Out of My Comfort Zone
Making progress
Words cannot do the experience justice – suffice it to say that that moment led to my learning from all the teachers listed at the beginning of this post. For more than four decades, I have read about and taken courses in spiritual studies and seemingly non-tangential topics that have led me here to this space and time.
That moment sitting on a sun-warmed rock above the canyon floor completely out of my comfort zone is where I go whenever I feel the need to escape my now reality. I know, because of that experience, I am connected to it all. My ego, however, rarely allows me to live that way for long. Through my learning from all sorts of experiences and readings, I now allow my ego to run the show called my life less and less. I know I am making progress because my ego is throwing tantrums trying to hold on to its existence.
A Good Day to Die
Facing our mortality
I recently had lunch with a friend where we discussed which birthday brings the realization head-on that we are mortal. For her, it was when she turned 60. Since my 60th is right around the corner, I wonder if I have learned enough already and if I have already embraced my mortality. I have spent a lot of my life wishing I were dead. Am I now prepared to answer “yes” to the question “Is this a good day to die?”
Sending you peaceful vibes of connecting to the world,
Angela Jane