A malaise surrounds me. Crying would be a relief, a release. Yet, I do not cry as I stay stuck in this can’t-get-myself-to-do-what-I-should maze.
Malaise Maze Phase
Cause for celebration
I offer no words of wisdom here, just share this malaise maze phase that I know is temporary because everything is temporary. Everything is already broken. Therefore, attachment to anything or anyone is futile, or rather, causes suffering. However, this knowledge is not cause for despair, but for celebration because in this knowledge, I find freedom.
Liberation
already cracked glass
my body already dead
my bright soul singing
Already Broken Glass
Search for freedom
As I sit here pondering what comes next on the page, I acknowledge that I would just like to lay my head on that soft throw pillow and close my eyes so that I might rest deeply. My eyes are tired even though they have had plenty of sleep. I don’t lay my head on the pillow, but I do close my eyes and I see a man’s silhouette, which seemingly has nothing to do with an already broken glass.
I refocus on the task at hand – my search for freedom. A freedom that comes from non-attachment. Non-attachment does not mean not caring – in fact, the opposite occurs. When I realize this item that I hold or possess will eventually or suddenly change, I can appreciate it and love it fully in this moment, which is truly the only moment I ever have.
Loving Whole-heartedly
Reshaping
The freedom derived from knowing that nothing lasts forever in its current form leads me to loving whole-heartedly. I can fully embrace that which is before me because my hands are not closed tightly around the glass trying to keep it in its current form – a form that I dearly love or I wouldn’t have it in my hands in the first place.
Then, when the glass falls out of the cupboard to reshape itself, I can still find my heart among the shattered pieces strewn across the counter and the floor. By not being attached to what I think should happen, I leave my hands open, palms up, ready to receive all that life has to offer me – the whole of it and the broken in it. With open arms, love is free to flow through me.
Release Your Attachment
Just be
If I recognize this to be true – that the glass is already broken and that I am already dead – I can stop struggling against the inevitable. I can stop striving to achieve the unachievable. I can embrace that which is and who I am and just be. And, when I just be, the malaise can arrive and leave as it is and does. It will disappear just like the silhouette of the man I saw earlier when I closed my eyes. I close my eyes now and I can no longer see him. I now no longer feel the malaise because I have stopped resisting. I have opened my hands and welcomed the malaise. Once I do that, I can listen to its message:
It is time to rest now, for there is more life ahead to traverse. This journey will require your heart and arms to be open to fully embrace that which is to come. Never fear, dear one, because you are already dead. With death, comes release. Release your attachment to the broken and the unbroken. When you do, you are free.
Sending you the freedom you need to be, just be,
Angela Jane