I get frustrated when I cannot articulate well an explanation of a deeply held belief of mine, so here is my attempt to help myself, as Harlen Coben’s Win would say, “articulate.” My most recent example of this comes from telling everyone where I work that “hate” is not allowed there.
Making Rules
At a community college
I work in a tutoring center at a community college. About two dozen peer and professional tutors work in the center and hundreds of students use our services within any given semester. While I have worked at the college for 23 years, I have been in the tutoring center for only a little more than six years.
When I first started as coordinator of the center, a few of the peer tutors were a bit rambunctious, so I half-jokingly made a rule that no violence was allowed in the center. They weren’t really violent, but they’d push each other around like siblings do, so I’d say, “no violence,” and they learned to tell one another that. The pushing and excessive ribbing stopped, yet they still had fun.
The no-violence rule isn’t as necessary as it used to be, but I do pull it out now and then. The center’s new location inhibits rough-housing and, of course, we have a completely different set of peer tutors three times over since I first started managing the center.
Banning Hate
In the tutoring center
My most recent pet project is getting tutors and students alike to stop using a certain four-letter word. No, not THAT word.
I often hear “I hate math” or “I hate getting up early” or “I hate writing papers.” In each instance, I say, “Hate isn’t allowed in the tutoring center.” Of course, tutors and students don’t just accept my wisdom (smile). They respond with, “Oh, there are things we should hate.” Then, they proceed to list “should-be” hate-able things: child pornography, rape, the Holocaust, etc. These are undeniably horrible experiences.
How does hate help with these though?
Sharing Wisdom
In my world
When I hear a student say that they can’t do something, I share more of my wisdom. Our brains are powerful, yet, paradoxically, they believe what we tell them. If we say, “I can’t do math,” we are right because our brains will stop working on the problem.
On the other hand, if we say, “I can do math,” we are right because our brains will keep working on the problem because we have told our brains a solution is possible.
I never tell students they have to love, or even like, math. They just need to tell themselves that they can do it. I add that it won’t necessarily make it easy, but it will make it easier.
My approach with banning hate from the center is similar. Tutors and students don’t need to love whatever it is they are claiming to hate; they just need to not hate it. Why is that you might be asking.
Changing the Brain's Chemistry
In the list
First of all, let’s define hate: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger or sense of injury; extreme dislike or disgust, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Feeling disgust toward the items in the “should-be” hate-able list seems reasonable. However, if we just stop with feeling the hatred, where does that lead us? Are we “hating” because it is easier to hate than it is to face and embrace our insecurities, our anger, our disgust?
Our hatred does not stop the experiences on that list. Our hatred does not hurt the perpetrators of the experiences on that list. The only person hatred hurts is the person who is doing the hating.
According to clinical psychologist Joanna Kleovoulou who wrote the article “How Hatred Hurts Only You,” hate changes the brain’s chemistry. Hate breaks down our immune and endocrine systems and our mental well-being. Kleovoulou notes that hate can contribute to weight gain, insomnia, anxiety, depression and chronic illness.
“Hatred is bitter-sweet as it inflates the ego and makes you feel very superior and self-righteous against the thing or one that is hated, only breeding further pain,” Kleovoulou writes.
Fostering Hate
In my office
Holding on to hate does absolutely no one any good. People who are experiencing hate usually have deeper emotions fostering that hate. "Haters" could be experiencing fear, insecurity or mistrust in someone or something. These are the emotions that we should be paying attention to, and then we should be asking ourselves what we can do about them.
Earlier this week, a person was in my office and said, “I hate the color of paint on these walls.” I told them that hate isn’t allowed in the tutoring center, and I got the usual pushback. Then, I heard, “I really dislike the color of these walls.”
After a long pause, I heard, “The color of the walls makes me sad.” They went on to explain that the wall’s color for them represented years of neglect of employees. So, underlying their original “hate” comment was a deeper, more relevant, less deleterious feeling. Underlying their original “hate” comment was a feeling that could be acted on and taken care of. Those walls can be painted. Employees can be seen and heard.
Living in a High Vibrations World
In reality
Sadness, hurt, and anger can be comforted like children. The pain from these deeper feelings can be eased. Hate, if held on to, just hurts the hater.
In reality, I don’t expect that I can truly ban any four-letter word. My hope, though, is that my attempt at banning will offer food for thought, that some will gain an understanding that if we want to live in a world of higher vibrations, we have to offer the world higher vibrations. That means we need to live in gratitude, peace, joy and love.
Sending you high vibrations,
Angela Jane