The Most Difficult Day
Neither for love nor money
Once upon a time, a 57-year-old woman sat on her grey couch in her grey, black and red living room sobbing. It was the beginning of June, and she was alone. She had just experienced the most difficult day of her life. She could not move from that couch for love nor money. She grabbed a grey, black, tan and ecru throw pillow, held it tightly to her chest and continued to sob.
Where am I supposed to sleep tonight?
In a tiny and lost voice
She would have called someone, but whom? Her siblings were in opposite directions hundreds of miles away from the small Midwestern town she called home, and they couldn’t do anything to change the circumstances. She couldn’t articulate the desolation and despair she felt through her sobbing anyway. This was hers and hers alone to bear. They were hundreds of miles away for a reason. They were not meant for this particular event. They would have their own moments and days ahead that she herself would not experience. They had their lessons to learn ... this one was solely hers.
As she sat hugging the pillow, her phone rang. She gathered up all the strength inside of her to answer it. Because she was not allowed to be with her mom in person, she knew she had to be there through the phone. She fought through the tears and summoned a smile, just as her fun and free-spirited mother of long ago had taught her. However, this time, the voice on the other end had no smile in it. It was a tiny, lost, sad voice. “Where am I supposed to sleep tonight?” it asked.
Fiercely Independent
Calling a cab
So, the 57-year-old daughter discovered that she had not used all the strength she had by answering the phone. She discovered she was stronger still.
The mother who lived in chronic pain for decades despite the strong pain medication she took ... the mother who was no longer able to remember whether she had taken that medication ... the mother who was easily agitated by seemingly inconsequential things ... the mother who would hold on to an insignificant thought and share it again and again and again ... the mother who was not the daughter’s mother of her youth ... that mother needed 24-hour care that could not be given by her offspring although they had tried for months to keep her in her home. That mother, despite not being mostly herself, still was fiercely independent, and she said that she was going to call a cab to deliver her to her daughter’s house. Then, she added, the daughter could take her home when the daughter finished whatever she was doing.
Difficult Days
No cliches
The daughter then realized that the mom of yore's spirit still inhabited that tiny, 65-pound shell of a body. Her mom was still putting her daughter’s needs first in spite of it all.
This story started as a “once upon a time” fairy tale, but life rarely offers up knights in shining armor saving their fair maidens from distress. I am neither a knight nor a fair maiden. I can neither live through your hard times nor learn your lessons. So, here, I offer no clichés because difficult days are indeed difficult days.
Sending you throw pillows to hug and loving energy to get you through your difficult days,
Angela Jane
Disclaimer: I am just a regular human being, not an expert of any kind. The thoughts I share here are not intended to be used as professional advice. Please seek professional assistance from an appropriate healthcare provider if you are experiencing any mental or physical health issues.