“Grieving is a kind of transition: a process of drawing the one we love within us, until there comes a moment when we can hear their voice or feel their touch or access their love inside us. The transition is long and painful and nonlinear. We cannot survive the throes of grief alone.”
from Sage Warrior by Valarie Kaur
feels heavier
The River Cruise
Grief is like a 90-minute river cruise from the riverboat’s perspective. More than 750 people board the boat, so she’s carrying a heavy load. She then leaves the dock and heads down the river for 45 minutes. She then turns around and heads back to the dock where the passengers disembark. She does this numerous times a week, back and forth and back and forth. Sometimes, the load is heavier than others. Sometimes, it just feels heavier.
which way is up
Can't Tell
Sometimes, the sun is shining and the heat builds up on the top deck. Sometimes, the clouds shroud the sun. Sometimes, a gentle rain falls, and sometimes, it pours where the water from above then merges with the water below and she can’t tell which way is up. Sometimes, she enjoys the music. Sometimes, it just makes her sadder. Sometimes, the passengers’ laughter cheers her up. Sometimes, she would like to shout, “Just be quiet!”
not alone
Feels Like It
No matter how many times she’s gone down river for 45 minutes and then turned to go 45 minutes back, she isn’t sure what to expect. So many variables change the journey – others on the river, others along the river, nature’s changing with the seasons. She feels like she should know how to handle it, but she never feels confident in her journey – even with others who are there to care for her: cleaning the decks, picking up after the people long gone, feeding her, trying to fix her. She’s not alone, yet many of the moments, she feels like she is.
beyond this
No Straight Line
She’s the only one actually doing the work on this river cruise. She’s the only one who can do this particular work. She has no idea how long she can do this work or how long she will need to do this work. She’s not even sure she wants to try anymore since she can’t draw a straight line from here to there beyond the horizon. Just once, she’d like to get beyond all this and get to that numinous sunrise or sunset where not only beauty resides, but peace also can be found.
