Move the C

These are things I try to be:

curious

capable

conscious

calm

caring

connected

Tiny and Tow-headed

I scare easily.

I sit at my desk at the front of the second row in my second-grade classroom. I am tiny and tow-headed. I am sickly and silent. I am scared to death. I live my life from a place of fear even when I am not in this classroom, but here, I am terrified. I am terrified because of my second-grade teacher. She is truly old by almost anyone's standards, but definitely ancient to my 7-year-old self.

At this age, I live my life attempting to be perfect even when I'm not in this classroom, but here, I strive for perfection even more. I always do my homework. I always sit perfectly still. I try with all my might to go unnoticed by all in the room. Please don't call on me. Please don't rap my head with that ring on your finger as I have seen you do to others. Please don't use that ruler. Please don't be mean. I cry easily. I admit it. Yes, I scare easily. Yet this classroom is not just scary for me. It is scary for those not easily frightened, too.

In this second-grade classroom, I learn a lesson about being scared. I learn that if I move the "c" in scared, just one space to the right I get sacred. One space to the right is a doable distance for almost everyone, even second-grade me. I can choose not to be scared if I change where the "c" lands, if I move to a sacred spot instead.

So, one day, I tell my teacher that I don't have my homework done even though it sits completed in my folder. I'm saying so because I want to support the other students who have already indicated they don't have their homework finished. I move from scared to sacred when I am calm, when I connect to others and when I show I care.

Silent and Scared

I throw caution to the wind.

I sit in the passenger seat of a silver Cadillac. I am no longer tiny, tow-headed, and sickly, but I am silent and scared.

I am a young 24-year-old. I have just seen the driver punch a hole in the wall and watched as he berated and belittled his son. I have seen his anger too many times to count prior to this. I honestly don't know how we get from the house and into the car. I don't remember where we're headed. I only remember that I am frightened and angry.

I learn another lesson this day. I learn once again to turn scared into sacred by moving that "c" one space to the right. If my second-grade self can take a stand against Miss Teacher, my 24-year-old self can take a stand against Cadillac Driver.

I demand that he stop the car in the middle of the road and I get out. We're miles from home and this is before everyone carries phones in their pockets. I turn away from the car, and I start walking home. I move from scared to sacred when I realize I am capable, when I am conscious and when I throw caution to the wind.

Still Scared

I am no longer silent.

I sit on an uncomfortable chair in the hallway at work. I am no longer silent, but I am scared. I am 39 years old. I have been directed by my supervisor to do something at work that I am not proud of and will be meeting with the powers-that-be to point out the error of their ways in partial atonement for my "going along" with the activity even though I wasn't comfortable doing it.

I learn a lesson this day, too. I learn once again to turn scared into sacred by moving that "c" one space to the right. If my 24-year-old self can stand up to Cadillac Driver, my 39-year-old self can stand up to the three powers-that-be who hold my work fate in their hands. When I am in a sacred space, not a scared one, I know that I will be taken care of.

I move from scared to sacred when I choose to be true to myself, when I connect to intuition, and when I care about what is the right thing according to me in my world.

Scared to Sacred

I sit in meditation.

I sit in quiet meditation every morning. I am no longer living life scared. It has taken 59 years of lessons from the moment I was born until now to move my scared moments almost automatically to sacred ones.

I do still get scared, but I don't live in scared. With a mind set to curiosity, I add gratitude to my fear and joy to my scared. I remember to breathe in and breathe out with intent and attention to this moment. Now, I easily move the "c" one space to the right so that I am calm, caring, connected, and conscious.

Sending you sacred love,

Angela Jane