As I look through my glasses into the sunshine, I notice all the spots on the lenses. I realize it’s been a few decades since my mom would hold out her hand to me with that look on her face.
Blind without glasses
My Lenses
However, it’s been only three years to the day since she died, and I’m wondering why I am just noticing now that my lenses need cleaning. I have still been thinking about an act of love that changed everything (see October’s post if you haven’t already read it). Can I see what I need to with dirty lenses or without glasses at all?
I exaggerate a bit when I say I’m blind without my glasses, but I so cannot drive my car or do anything else while awake if I’m not wearing them – at least not safely. Since my sight is sometimes clouded with dirty lenses, I wonder how I got to be here still alive and living my purpose. Many times when I was younger, I wished I were dead, but I’m not dead yet for which I can mostly “blame” my mother.
There for me
My Distress
When I didn’t understand the world at large, Mom was there to explain it to me. When she knew I was sick and doctors just told her I was shutting her out, she was there for me. She insisted that that was not the case and kept taking me to doctors until one finally said, “She’s allergic to milk.”
At that time, food labeling did not categorically in bold list major allergens, so she read every label religiously to make sure I did not eat anything with milk in it. I was prescribed nutritional supplements to ensure I received the nutrients my body needed – SHE made sure I took them even when I made myself gag while attempting to swallow them.
The family made fun of me when I could not handle certain conversations that involved certain medical processes and procedures, but she made sure the subject changed pretty quickly when she noticed my distress. When I was told I was “too old to be playing with dolls,” she assured me that I could play with them as long as I wanted.
Never questioning
My Decisions
When I tried backing a car out of the garage and got it stuck and then became upset at myself and the situation, she calmly maneuvered the car out of the tight spot without denigrating me. When I came home one time wildly angry and hurt by someone else’s actions, she stood up to them on my behalf and refused to back down.
When I got married in Las Vegas and invited no one to the wedding, she supported my decision without questioning me. Years later, when I was unemployed and told her I was getting divorced, she helped me survive the lean days. When I told her I was flying solo to South Africa to volunteer for two weeks, she did not fuss at me (although she did express her concerns to my sister).
Whether my decisions were good, bad, or neutral, she always supported me and was there to pick up the pieces. She did all of these things and much, much more even after being not pleasantly surprised at having conceived me ... and even after a difficult pregnancy which included a pulled muscle from my kicking her while in the womb and dietary restrictions that meant she could not eat her favorite homemade caramels at Christmas.
She loved
My Being
She loved me when I was sick. She loved me when I was a brat. She loved me when I would not voice my opinions on very simple things like stating a preference for blue or brown pants.
When I look back on my childhood, I wonder how she could love me so unconditionally when all I had ever done is present problem after problem after problem.
It was not my birth by Caesarean section that saved my life that was the greatest miracle of my being here. The greatest miracle was that Mom did not kill me out of frustration from all the trials and tribulations I presented to her, but rather that she loved me without a doubt and with all her heart.
I know from the look on Mom’s face that I need to take my glasses off and place them in her extended hand. She says with exasperation, “How can you even see out of these?!” She then gently wipes them clean as she holds them under the running tap water at the kitchen sink.
Changed everything
My Seeing Clearly
So that act of love that changed everything?
It was performed by my mother who always made sure that I could see clearly – clearly enough to see how she helped make the world a better place by being an Emergency Medical Technician, by being an adult literacy volunteer tutor, by being a hospice volunteer, by being a much better parent to us than her mother had been for her, by being a human being with foibles sharing some of her vulnerability and yet being one of the most courageous and generous people I have ever known.
Thanks, Mom, for allowing me to see clearly all that I needed to see in order to emulate as best I can all the good that was in you.
Sending love, comfort, and joy to all those missing someone they love,
Angela Jane